i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
