Your face is a jimmy john
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Randomize
