some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
