I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
