Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
