Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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