Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
