Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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