Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
