I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
