Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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