How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
