Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
