I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
