After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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