This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
