I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
