my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
