I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
