I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
