I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
