My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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