Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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