Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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