i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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