grandma shit on top of the toilet
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
