i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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