I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He did a backflip because drugs
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
