You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
