It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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