He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
