sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize