his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
