literally had 100 drinks last night.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
