I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we're making bets on your personal life
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
