Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
