i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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