I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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