I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
