So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
