So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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