I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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