dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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