I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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