the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
