I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize