I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
