Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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