you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You're completely useless in the revolution.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
