I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
