It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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