Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
