Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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