I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
