can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
