I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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