I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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